ABSTRACT
This qualitative study explored the lived experiences of parents and Gen Z children regarding the use of hurtful language as a form of discipline. This study is anchored in Social Learning Theory, Attachment Style Theories, Looking-Glass Self Theory and the Psychological Reactance Theory, building upon prior research that established the detrimental psychological effects of harsh verbal discipline (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016) and underscored the significant role of culture and generation in shaping parenting dynamics (Smetana, 2017). While empirical research confirms the negative outcomes of harsh verbal discipline and acknowledges the influence of culture and generation on parenting, there remains a methodological gap regarding the phenomenon. Specifically, there's a shortage of in-depth, qualitative studies that simultaneously interview both the parent and the Gen Z child to capture their co-created, conflicting realities of perceptual dissonance concerning the intent versus impact of the discipline, particularly within an underrepresented cultural setting like the Philippines. Using a phenomenological approach, six participants were interviewed, three parents and three children from Abuyog, Leyte, Philippines to understand how disciplinary words affect family relationships and emotional well-being.
The findings revealed that while parents often believe strong and direct language teaches respect and responsibility, children frequently interpret these remarks as rejection, criticism, or emotional neglect. This disconnects between parental intentions and children’s perceptions creates emotional distance and affects how Gen Z children view themselves and their relationship with their parents. The study highlights the importance of promoting positive discipline, open communication, and empathy in modern parenting to foster healthier parent-child relationships and support children’s emotional development.
Keywords: Hurtful language, parent-child relationship, lived experiences, parental intentions, Gen X parents, Gen Z children, emotional well-being
INTRODUCTION
Parental discipline aims to build rather than harm, but many Generation Z individuals experience it as hurtful language verbal abuse like insults and threats—that leaves no visible marks but causes deep emotional pain (Hamamra et al., 2025). Gen X parents often use the same strict methods they experienced, which clash with Gen Z's greater sensitivity and openness about mental health issues. According to Twenge (2017), Gen Z is the most mentally health-conscious yet emotionally vulnerable generation, and harsh scolding can have lasting negative effects on their self-perception.
Language in the home holds great power, shaping children’s worldview and self-image. While some parents see harsh words as normal discipline, research shows emotionally hurtful language can cause lasting damage, undermining children’s confidence, and relationships (Vachon et al., 2015). Verbal abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse, and when it comes from a parent—the expected source of love—it creates emotional confusion that may lead to withdrawal, mistrust, or rebellion.
Social media is seen as positively impacting Gen Z by fostering community connection and self-expression (Amberstudent, 2025). Technology shapes how children grow up today, with Millennials and Gen Z more openly discussing trauma and emotional boundaries. Gen Z increasingly questions traditional discipline, favoring methods that create "psychological safety," where respect replaces fear (Chao & Aque, 2020). Positive discipline strategies such as natural consequences, gentle redirection, consistent boundaries, and emotional coaching help build stronger parent-child bonds and improve emotional regulation (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).
Many studies focus on the negative effects of harmful language used in parental discipline on children, such as trauma and low self-esteem, but often overlook parents' perspectives on why they use such language. Recognizing this gap, researchers aim to explore how parents discipline their Gen Z children through hurtful language, considering both sides to support healthy relationships and child development.
Previous studies have predominantly examined the separate responses of children and parents to disciplinary practices, yet the perspectives of both parties within the same context remain underexplored. A comprehensive understanding of this dynamic could enhance insight into the emotional experiences of children and elucidate the impact of parents' use of harmful language on their children’s development, as well as on parents’ intentions to cultivate well-mannered behavior.
Statement of the Problem
This study aimed to explore the lived experiences of parents who use hurtful language as a way of disciplining their Gen Z children.
Specifically, this research answered the following questions:
1. What types of hurtful language do parents employ in disciplining their Generation Z children?
2. How do parents perceive and emotionally respond to the use of hurtful language as a disciplinary practice when observing their children’s reactions?
3. What challenges do parents face when attempting to discipline their Gen Z children, and how do these challenges influence their choice of language?
4. What motivates the parents in choosing hurtful language in disciplining their Gen Z children?
5. How do children decipher the hurtful language by their parents?
METHODOLOGY
Research Design
A phenomenological research design aims to explore and describe people’s lived experiences so that their deeper meaning can be understood (Moustakas, 1994). This paper employed a phenomenological research design to explore and understand the lived experiences of the parents in their way of disciplining their children using hurtful words. This approach is providing a rich, in-depth understanding of the phenomenon from the perspective of those directly affected.
Research Instrument and Validation
The primary tool for data collection was a semi-structured interview guide tailored to explore the lived experiences of the parents in their way of disciplining their children using hurtful words. This guide included open-ended questions focused on participants' experiences. The flexible format allows for follow-up questions based on participant responses, ensuring a comprehensive understanding of their lived experiences. The researchers respectfully requested the participants' consent to record their answers on audio. Triangulation is the process of using a variety of methods to validate the findings of a study. Observation and numerous one-on-one interviews were carried out in this study to confirm the data collected and to guarantee the anonymity of the responses from the relative participants.
On the other hand, the interview questions were crafted to directly address the research objectives, and the research adviser approved them to ensure they were appropriate for the study.
Locale of the Study
The study was located at the Municipality of Abuyog, that has over 63 barangays and a population of 61,216 (2020 census figures). This location was chosen because it is convenient and in an appropriate setting, which aids in documenting numerous ways that parents discipline their children and supports the findings of the research.
Research Participants
The participants in this study comprise six individuals: three parents and three children residing in Abuyog, Leyte, Philippines. The inclusion criteria were parents employ traditional disciplinary methods involving the use of hurtful language, and the children on the other hand receive hurtful words from them when reprimand. Purposive sampling was utilized to select participants capable of providing rich, in-depth insights regarding the challenges they have encountered and their approaches to managing this form of discipline.
Data Analysis
Thematic analysis was employed to systematically examine the data. This process involved meticulous and repeated review of the interview transcripts to identify salient responses, interpret their meanings, and categorize these interpretations. Subsequently, overarching themes were developed to encapsulate the shared experiences of the participants. The use of thematic analysis was particularly appropriate for this study, as it facilitated the rigorous interpretation and classification of qualitative data through the identification of persistent patterns, thereby providing a comprehensive insight into the experience. (Braun & Clark, 2006).
Data Gathering Procedure
The data gathering begun by identifying eligible participants through purposive sampling. After securing informed consent, the researchers conducted individual semi-structured interviews, focusing on how harmful words affect participants’ academic lives. These interviews were recorded—with permission—and later transcribed for analysis.
Ethical Considerations
This study strictly followed ethical research practices. Informed consent was obtained from all participants prior to the interviews, clearly explaining the study’s purpose, procedures, voluntary nature, and confidentiality measures. Participants were informed that they may withdraw at any time without any consequences. To ensure anonymity, participants’ name are hidden. Since the topic involves sensitive experiences, participants were provided with information about counseling or academic support services should they require assistance during or after the study.
Research Reflexivity
According to Berger (2015), reflexivity in research is the process of being self-aware and critically reflecting on how the researcher’s own values, beliefs, and experiences may influence the study. This process helps ensure that personal biases are minimized, and that participants’ voices are represented accurately.
Further, the study revealed that although parents generally do not intend to hurt their Gen Z children emotionally and use strong language to teach discipline and respect, there is a gap in perception. Children often experience these words as rejection or criticism, which negatively impacts their self-esteem and emotional well-being. This understanding allowed the researchers to approach the findings with greater empathy and recognize the generational differences between Gen X parents and Gen Z children
RESULTS AND DISCUSSION
Emergent themes and sub-themes reveal participants’ perceptions and experiences of disciplinary language in their families, supported by direct quotes from both parents and children to enhance authenticity and insight.
1. The Power of Role Models
This theme shows how the participant learns new behaviors by observing others. The study of Schunk and DiBenedetto's (2020) research back-up by Bandura's social learning theory claims that for observational learning to take place, people need to pay attention to a model, remember what the model did cognitively, be able to perform the modeled behavior, and be motivated to do so. Parent Participant 2 shared that their parenting style observation came from their parents too, stating, “Nakuha ko tun na akon pagdisiplina sa akon mga anak sa akon nanay kay nagamit gihapon adto sin mga bad words ngan pamisikal saak mga kabugtoan ngan naging maupay man ira pagdako yana. Ngan kun dire ko sugaron gihapon pagdisiplina akon mga anak dire tun sira magdako sin maupay na pamatasan adi na panahon.” (“I got my discipline of my children from my mother because she used bad words and physical abuse to my brothers and sisters, and they have grown up well now. And if I don't discipline my children that way, they won't grow up with good manners this time.”) The statements illustrate the strong influence parents have as role models and how they retain the parenting style they learn to help their current child grow up to be as disciplined as they are. expense of suppressing their own feelings.
2. Attachment Styles
2.1Secured-Attachment
This sub-theme reflects Secure Attachment, where individuals trust others to be responsive and supportive (Mikulincer et al., 2021). Parent Participant 1 illustrated this by emphasizing gentle guidance over punishment: “Imo la iton siya kuanan... Halimbawa di mamati ano magpasaway sugad ada la. Tirukon nimo imo mga anak, mangaon kamo dida, ngada nimo siya istoryahan hinay-hinay diri nimo siya tigdaan, di nimo siya kastiguon kay amo iton an bata magrebelde.” (You just have to... For example, he doesn't listen, why do you scold him like that? Gather your children, eat there, until you talk to him slowly, don't hit him, don't punish him because that's the child who rebels.) This highlights the use of connection, conversation, and calm correction rather than control.
2.2Avoidant-DismissiveAttachment
Child Participant 1 reflects an Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment style, often formed when caregivers are emotionally distant. To cope, the child withholds emotions and depends on themselves. They shared: “Diri ak nag oopen kay para ha akon pag e open ko haira bagan kaartihan la or bagan sugad,” (I don't open up because for me when I open up to them it's like a joke or something like that,) and added, “At first masakit, pero yana gin dedeadma nala,” (At first it hurt, but now it's getting better) revealing emotional withdrawal and self-protection typical of this attachment style.
3. The Role of Imagination
According to Cooley’s Looking-Glass Self theory (1902), children form their self-identity based on how they think others, especially parents, see them. Hurtful parental language can distort this “mirror,” leading to insecurity and low self-worth. Child Participant 3 shared an instance of feeling rejected: “Oo kay talagsa la ak kasi nakadto sa Manlilisid. Katima, pag uli ko ba dinhi, mayakan dayon siya nga ano nag inuli kapa man nganhi? Kadto nala kan imo papa,” (“Yes, especially because I rarely went to Manlilisid. Then when I came back, she immediately asked, ‘Why did you come back? Just go to your dad.’”). Comments like this make children feel unwanted.
From the parents’ perspective, however, harsh words are sometimes intended as discipline rather than rejection. As Parent Participant 3 explained: “Usahay nasiring ako hin masakit nga pulong, diri tungod kay diri ko hira nahigugma, kundi kay gusto ko nga magtutdo hira hin respeto.” (“Sometimes, I say hurtful words, not because I don’t love them, but because I want them to learn respect.”) This gap between parental intent and a child’s emotional response can create misunderstanding, distance, and strained relationship
4. Withholding Freedom
When parents use language that undermines a child’s autonomy, it can trigger psychological reactance, causing children to resist and emotionally withdraw. Child Participant 1 shared being told, “Waray ka man gamit.” (“You’re worthless.”)—a comment that harmed their confidence and discouraged communication. The child added, “Kay para ha akon pag e open ko haira kaartihan la, so mas maupay nga e keep ko nala ha akon sarili.” (“If I open up to them, they think I’m being dramatic… so it’s better to just keep it to myself.”) These experiences show how painful words create emotional distance and weaken family connection.
Meanwhile, some parents believe strong language is part of discipline. Parent Participant 2 admitted, “Usahay nasiring ako hin masakit kay duro hira kasupog, pero diri ko tuyo nga masakitan hira” (“Sometimes I say hurtful words because they are stubborn, but I don’t really intend to hurt them”). They hope to enforce respect but feel regret when their words lead to withdrawal. As Quick and Stephenson (2007) explain, perceived threats to autonomy can cause defensive behavior like secrecy or resistance. Even well-meaning correction can feel like rejection to children, harming trust and closeness. This highlights the importance of empathy, positive discipline, and open communication in parent-child relationships.
CONCLUSION AND RECOMMENDATION
The findings indicate a significant disconnection between what Gen X parents desire and what Gen Z children believe. While Gen X parents use harsh language that they learned from their parents to instill respect and help them become well-disciplined adults, Gen Z children interpret their parents' discipline as emotional rejection or neglect. This led to children's low self-esteem, and emotional detachment causes different styles of attachment. Even though parents want to develop their children's character, the research shows that this kind of discipline has a negative impact on family relationships and children's emotional development.
Based on these results, it is recommended that parents should break the cycle of using verbal abuse and build a more supportive home environment. Open dialogue is also crucial, and children should be encouraged to express their feelings about how they are disciplined without fear of being dismissed. Families can benefit from creating a safe space for these conversations, perhaps with the help of a family counselor, to learn how to listen and communicate effectively in building stronger and healthier relationship between parents and offspring.
For future research, this study, limited by its small sample size, offers a starting point. Further research should expand the participant pool to include diverse cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds to see if these findings hold true more broadly. Longitudinal studies would also be invaluable for tracking the long-term emotional and relational impacts of verbal discipline as Gen Z matures.
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DOI 10.5281/zenodo.17430459
